Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
