Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
