you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
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How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
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Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.