The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
