your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
