3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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