My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
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I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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