I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
