No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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