I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
