I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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