i permit you to call me
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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