you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
