Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
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alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
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Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha