It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
