I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
