Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
