If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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