Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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