If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
