You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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