Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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