You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
