My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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