there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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