I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
