the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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