it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
