Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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