I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
