Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Randomize
