I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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