Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Ketchup is God's man juice
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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