He is an equal opportunity slut.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
