Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
