You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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