When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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