it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
