Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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