so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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