he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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