hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE