The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.