Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
