The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.