i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
