I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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