i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
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