It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
