i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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