I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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