Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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