Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
