ugly people sure do ruin things
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
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