I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
