my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
