I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I forget how to act sober
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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