Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize