I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
